A little more than a month ago, I started this new blog on a whim (well, not really – I explained my reasons here). I also explained why the name “A Joyful Mess” charmed me, but really, the name was also reflective of my present situation.
Life is messy.
I’ve accepted and embraced living a messy life because I realised that the more I acknowledged the mess, the more I’m allowing God to be in control of the clean-up. I’m nothing but a weak human being who messes up, imperfect. And I love it. I love calling to my God whenever I feel that life is becoming too much for me to handle. I love knowing that God is always there, always there to supply the strength to my weakness, unlimited grace to my flawed human nature.
There are some — many — aspects of my life that I couldn’t afford to mess up any further. I need to acknowledge the truth that for these aspects of my life, it’s not normal living that took course. It’s laziness and lack of planning, pure and simple.
I need to work on these aspects of my life. I need to reclaim and return some sense of organisation to my life!
Last year couldn’t be more different than this year. During the past couple of years, I had the privilege of having a yaya to look after Yuri. I also enjoyed working on a freelance status, where I could start working whenever I’m available and stop working whenever I needed to without having to seek someone to ask for permission.
It was near the end of last year when we ran into trouble with our yaya. It was well-documented in my old blog with more than a few people following it haha (if you’re curious, you can read it). Since then, I haven’t found a new replacement yet, so I’ve been looking after my pre-schooler while working full-time.
And early this year, from working freelance, I’ve become employed full-time under an Australian company. Now, I need to start and end work following a relatively stricter schedule.
Later, I also passed the board exam and became a licenced real estate broker.
I’m thankful to be able to look after my son while earning a steady stream of income. However, I cannot deny that with these responsibilities, I also neglected a lot of other things.
For example, when Yuri was still too young to go to school, I could not stop thinking about it and planning for it. Even the more sensible Job had to give in to my desire of homeschooling Yuri at 3 years old. That’s right; I’d been planning to homeschool Yuri when he turns 3. Now that he is 3, we haven’t done an ounce of formal homeschooling yet.
When June came, I found myself unprepared to homeschool, so I decided to move it to August. It’s the middle of August now and I’m hopeless.
And from reading to him 2-3 times a day, I’m ashamed to tell you that it became erratic. I can’t even remember the last time we actually focused on a book.
Last year, I was always cooking and experimenting in the kitchen – easy peasy recipes, I know, but still. Now, I can’t remember the last time I’ve cooked something. I haven’t been able to closely monitor what Yuri eats, and we’re resorting to eating ready-made food more and more often. I can’t remember the last time I made fresh smoothies!
I’ve also gained a lot of weight this year because I already stopped nursing Yuri, I haven’t watched my food intake, and I haven’t worked out since January.
Our house is also dismal to look at. We have someone going to our house to clean 1-2 times per week, but for the remaining days of the week, the house just looks tragic. With a pre-schooler, a full-time job, and a real estate business to keep me busy, most of the time, I simply cannot afford to give the floor a sweeping.
God should be my number-one priority, but I’m ashamed to admit that he has not been mine for a time now. I know it, and Job knows it, so he’s been trying to remind me every single time he can. There are no excuses for my negligence.
If I continue my list, this post would be too long. Writing this made me realise that there really are a lot of aspects in my life that I need to work on. I wish I could work on my blog more often. I wish I could have the time to update my planner and calendar (which have been updated last May and last July, respectively). I wish I could give more time to updating our real estate blog and page. I wish I could have time to work out. I wish I do not have to be too exhausted every night to pray and read the Bible!
And I can’t even say I’m being too hard on myself. These things should have been non-negotiable; I should be able to take care of these stuff!
I’ve made baby steps like regularly using my Todoist and installing a calendar for my blog. However, these only took care of my “tasks.” I wish I knew how to organise my life (Lord, help), but I know my capacity is limited. I’m only attempting to manage my time so that I wouldn’t neglect the important things anymore. At least, I’ll be able to gain some sort of order.