Coming Into Terms With Grief

Coming Into Terms With Grief

So I got involved in a, well, serious matter concerning an organisation I belong to. I don’t want to talk about it, really, but I’m mentioning it because it led me again to a very dear person tonight.

This person I will always keep in my heart is my brother (fraternity brother) who died last year. Almost exactly a year ago. I’m going to be cheesier than the usual so bear with me. That’s a fair warning, I guess.

That “serious matter” I mentioned had me looking through my old email account for messages that can be used as pieces of evidence. I had to recover my password using my phone number (thank goodness I’m still using my old number – almost 9 years old!) and I was able to log in successfully. However, I didn’t find anything useful, so I decided to install Yahoo Messenger on my laptop in case some conversations were stored there.

I haven’t checked or even seen Yahoo Messenger for maybe 6 years now so I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

The nostalgia intensified when I came across my beloved friend’s name, Rendell Ryan, whom we fondly called “Perper.” 6th of November last year, I just got home from my godson’s birthday celebration when I received the bitter news from a couple of schoolmates and a sorority sister. Our dear Perper had died and in a violent manner. I wasn’t able to sleep that night. At first I was just in a state of morbid shock. Then it sank in and I bawled my eyes out and grieved.

He wasn’t just someone from the fraternity-sorority I belong to; if anything, he was a real brother to me, a slightly younger blood brother I never had. I grieved for the loss of a loved one, I grieved for the loss of a young life. But that was it. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. He was gone from this earth.

Coming Into Terms With Grief

I look so ugly here (I was really dark & I ran back and forth and jumped up and down wearing my heels after grad – whyii) so don’t look at me. Perper’s the one wearing black.

I knew his death anniversary came up last week, so I remembered him and prayed for him. But this night, I don’t know what has gotten into me; I just realised I miss him so much! Which is why when I came across his name on Yahoo Messenger, I tried retrieving old conversations. But in vain; I couldn’t retrieve any conversation history with any contact. YM, what’s good?

So I went to good old Facebook and tried looking for old chat messages. Thank goodness Facebook keeps conversations with deleted accounts. Here are some of the last chat exchanges we’ve had before he finally said goodbye. (Oh wait, he didn’t say goodbye! Never mind.)

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Dear Perper,

Hey. I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that I no longer bawl my eyes out when I think of you. Don’t worry; while my heart still bleeds, I have come into terms that I shall never see you again in this life. But I will forever cherish you and your friendship, and I’ll be forever thankful that I have known a wonderful person like you.

Second to you-know-whose, yours is the most beautiful heart I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I know you are in a better place.

Love, with all my heart,

Maan Jampong

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  • Reply Meikah Ybañez-Delid (@Meikah) November 16, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Sorry, to hear about your dear friend. I really hope brotherhood/sisterhood will preserve life and not the other way around. Hope you’re feeling better now.

    • Reply Maan November 16, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      Thank you 🙂 Wala naman pong kinalaman yung brotherhood/sisterhood sa kamatayan nya.

  • Reply Gerilen November 16, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    first off, virtual hugs sis. What I could share to you right now is my belief on paradise earth soon, including the resurrection of the dead. Just like how Jesus described them, the dead knows nothing, they’re just there lying, waiting for his call to wake up. And death will be defeated, will be no more.

    • Reply Maan November 17, 2015 at 6:42 pm

      Thank you Gerilen! Belief in Jesus’ resurrection and everything that it has made possible brings so much comfort to my heart.

  • Reply Mommy Charm (TisCharmedLife) November 17, 2015 at 12:30 am

    Sorry to hear about Perper. I took the liberty to call him by his nickname na ha ^-^ It is indeed sad when we los someone dear to us especially if they died so sudden. No warnings, no sickness, nada. I have experienced that four years ago with my then 19 year old cousin. Oh well, they’re sure to be in a much better place now and we’ll see them again of course.

    I hope that that “serious matter” you’re dealing with turns out in your favor. God bless!

    • Reply Maan November 17, 2015 at 6:41 pm

      I’m sure he’ll love it that you’re using his nickname! And thank you for the concern! <3

  • Reply Madz November 17, 2015 at 12:32 am

    The pain of loss would always be there. It’s good to remember happier times with your friend.

    • Reply Maan November 17, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      It sure is! I’d rather remember them than the sad times. 😀

  • Reply Melisa Sanchez November 17, 2015 at 10:04 am

    Aw, pwede mohilak? na emosyonal man ko ani ui.. whew! It’s okay sis, everything happens for a reasons. Mas mabuti na ang kalagayan nya ngayon kaysa atin. marami pa tayong mapagdaanan. Yon nga lang mingawon lang jud ta kung mahuna-hunaan nato.

    • Reply Maan November 17, 2015 at 6:44 pm

      Pwede kaayo, sabay ta hilak! Hehehe. I’m just glad I was able to meet him. 🙂

  • Reply Marie November 17, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Sorry to her about Perper. I am sure he is in a better place now.

    • Reply Maan November 17, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      Thank you!

  • Reply Mommy Levy November 17, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Sorry to hear about your friend Perper. Ang bata pa nya 🙁

  • Reply Mommy Anna November 18, 2015 at 9:07 am

    he is to young to die, it also makes me sad if I heard somebody died in young age para ang dami pa nila puwede gawin. At the same time its hard to get over with the grieve especially if the person is dearly with us. My lola died 2 years ago but the pain is still here and I really miss her a lot. Hugs and prayer for you sis

  • Reply Mhaan Arambulo-Delos Santos November 19, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Im so sorry to hear about Perper. Hay nakakalungkot naman. Anyway, the last time I used yahoo messenger was 2005 pa ata, nalipat na kasi sa facebook ang usapan hehehe.

  • Reply Louisa November 19, 2015 at 10:53 pm

    Sorry about your friend. Someone I know recently passed away and it seems to give me so much shock… Live is very short…

  • Reply May De Jesus-Palacpac November 20, 2015 at 9:30 am

    I remember your post about Perper. The pain just don’t go away that easily, does it? The Christmas season will always be bittersweet for us since we lost my brother a few days before the 25th last December. Hugs.

  • Reply lally November 20, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    It is really heart breaking when someone close to you is not here with us anymore, just like my parents. One thing is for sure, they will always be in our heart! Hugs and prayer sis!

  • Reply Ayi November 20, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    Losing someone could be painful, regardless if you are related by blood. For sure, Perper is in a better place right now, smiling 🙂

  • Reply Grace November 22, 2015 at 10:16 pm

    there are no words to describe the pain. you will never let go of their memory but life has to move on. i know, because i can feel that how my husband is after his mom died. 🙁

  • Reply Jennifer Villanueva December 16, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    you know sometimes it really helps to let things out, especially things like this. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam especially when you are able to voice out your feelings. i’m sure your brother from another other is smiling back at you now sis from up there 🙂

  • Reply Zoe Campos December 25, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    The part where you mentioned that there isn’t anything we can do hit me hard. I’ve been crying since last night when my cousin, who was with me in a car accident, passed away because of his critical injuries. I managed to survive, but I guess I’ll be needing counseling sessions so I won’t be too drowned in my own grief.

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