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LDR

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It’s Okay to Not Be Okay Sometimes

I’m your poster cheerful girl. I pride myself on always looking at the bright side of any situation. I have a permanent laugh line embedded into my cheeks.

Of course there are not-so-happy moments, like health scares and relationship conflicts, financial troubles and work-related stress, but I don’t really like dwelling on them. I get affected by them easily, but just as quickly as I get affected, I like moving on right away. I tend to dismiss them and just focus on the positive. Always focusing on the positive is a good thing, I was told. After all, we don’t like feeling sad — at least, don’t! I like feeling bright and happy and healthy and sunshiny.

Well, most of the time.

This week is an anomaly. Ironically, it’s my birth-week, too, but somehow, everything is just going wrong. Not really everything, but you know what I mean. It sounds terribly shallow because I know I have it a lot better than so many people in the planet. But there’s just something so miserable about a supposedly happy week gone awry.

First, I missed my own birthday outing. My family and our neighbours and I were supposed to go out of town, but it got cancelled because of the Martial Law. So they decided to go somewhere nearer instead, just so we could celebrate my and one of our neighbours’ late husband’s birthdays. Unfortunately, we couldn’t decide on a date. They wanted to have it this Saturday, 10th, but I vetoed because I already had a prior commitment with my friends on that day.

So they moved it to last Sunday, 4th. It was okay for me, but another date popped up, that with my fraternity/ sorority brods and sis (yes, just one lol). I prioritised the latter because it’s been 7+ years since I last saw them. In short, I had to miss my own birthday outing lol. I don’t regret it, however, because I had so much fun with my brods and sis. During that day, I realised just how much I missed them. Then again, it would have been doubly better if I was able to attend both,

Second, Job and I haven’t been speaking for *counts fingers* three days now, going on our fourth day tomorrow. I don’t want to give details about our fight, because our fights — if you could even call them that — are usually petty, but not this one. To make the long story short, I told him I’m not talking to him because I need time to process the issue. After a couple of days of sending me messages and not receiving a response, he gave up and now he’s the one not talking to me. LDR is hard, people.

Third, my friends cancelled out on me for our date on Friday-Saturday, the exact reason why I requested to re-schedule our outing (see item 1). In short, I missed out on my birthday celebration with my family and neighbours, for absolutely no reason at all… I know it’s not their fault, but I can’t help but feel bad because it’s just so so frustrating. Also, I admit, it stings a bit to be the one who has to adjust, especially when it’s my own birthday celebration.

On top of that, the cheesecake I was just making earlier is not the right consistency. *gives up*

Like I said, usually, I would choose to not dwell the bad things and focus on the bright side instead. But this time, I decided to just admit that I am sad, that I am not okay. There’s no use trying to feign positivity if it’s not even remotely genuine. I know things will turn out for the better soon, but currently, it’s my birthday week and it’s not looking good. And yeah, maybe that’s fine. I will still look out for the blessings and reasons to be grateful because I know there are a lot, but right now, I just don’t feel 100% happy… and I think it’s okay.