I have a heavy burden… and it’s not metaphorical.
Just a segue before I begin. Last week, two of my closest friends separately unloaded their troubles on me. One is one of my oldest and bestest friends while the other is my work colleague. I’m not in the position to disclose their problems – and I don’t think I even have the right to talk about them – but being chosen to be their confidante is a privilege.
Open note to these two friends. To my work co-pilot, you are a smart & strong woman and I’m sure you are ready to face whatever life throws your way. But I’m happy you got the outcome you were hoping for. 🙂
To my dear friend: I’m here and you were never, are not, will not ever be a burden to me. I cannot in good conscience allow you to be miserable and I want you to find your happiness. I want you to find yourself , a bright future, a new hope in life. And hey, love, too! I love you and will always be your biggest fan.
But my friends’ dilemmas are not the “burden” that I’m referring to. No, not at all, I didn’t even feel the weight. There, I just gave you the clue. Weight.
I have a heavy burden. It’s not metaphorical, and it weighs 63 kilos.
Getting Fat and Ignoring It
I know I’ve already mentioned so many times in this blog, in my old blog, my quest to fitness. But I just didn’t have the motivation to stick to a diet plan, to a workout regime. I still ate a lot (and didn’t shy away from sweets and junk food) and barely moved (unless I was shopping…).
I sorely lacked self-discipline, so the fact that I’m piling on weight like crazy shouldn’t have come as a surprise. While the heaviness was quite obvious, I tried to ignore the telltale signs of poor health like my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) coming back and my period getting slightly irregular in spite of being regular my whole life. Yup, I tried to chalk them up to growing older. Everyone knows that’s not true.
The weighing scale started gathering dust. The last time I weighed myself, I was at around 57 kilograms. I think that was a whole year ago. For me, ignorance was bliss. I also make excuses for myself. I work so hard – I should have this chocolate bar. I just survived a stressful day – I should have this cupcake. I must celebrate, I must be indulge in this ice cream. I do so many things in a day, surely a slice of cake or pizza wouldn’t hurt. Heck, even a new episode of my favourite K-drama called for a special snack. At 10 freaking pm.
Well, the last straw that finally broke my stubborn back came when I was trying out some of my clothes for a special event (real estate related). None of my clothes fit. I didn’t want to buy a new dress either because that meant getting depressed at the mall if my outfit of choice didn’t have my size. I dug through my closet and found a dress that I used to wear. I zipped it in and I couldn’t breathe. No joke, I had to call my sister upstairs because I could not get out of the dress. We were laughing while she struggled to zip it open but I felt like a gluttonous whale.
Getting My Body – and Health – Back
As much as I would like to report that I’ve already gotten my body back, the truth is it has just been a week since I made the renewed decision to reclaim my health. I am not the best person to talk about self-control because I have virtually none but right now, all I want is to feel better about myself again.
More than fitting into my old clothes again, I want to get back my old self-confidence. I’m tired of hiding myself at the back of group pictures. I’m tired of taking angled photos so my face wouldn’t look so round in selfies (yes, my selfies are mapaglinlang). I’m tired of not having the energy to take Yuri to the playground because I feel heavy all the time.
While my father should stop force-feeding me rice (haha), everyone is supportive of my #fitnessjourney, especially Job. Even though he doesn’t need to lose weight, he joined my fitness regime by also dieting and working out. And I’m really glad for that. I started making overnight oats again for breakfast (instead of eating white bread sandwiches or fried rice with hotdog) and I haven’t eaten junk food and sweets in a week (so far). I also began working out and joining virtual Zumba sessions (via YouTube) every morning.
I hope, this time, I will be dedicated enough to stick to my goal.